I am with what is generally considered the worst mobile phone network provider in Australia, in terms of mobile broadband at least, although arguably after the superior coverage (and nose-bleeding expense) of Telstra, the remaining networks all seem to be furiously competing be the crappiest. Free market competition at it’s best, I’m sure.

I was fairly certain my contract had expired, but I rang up to check. Just in case. My phone call must have triggered some kind of internal corporate panic. An "Oh fuck, we’re about to lose another customer because of our crappy mobile network" alarm.

They asked why I was asking if my contract was over.

Because I felt their crappy mobile internet was ruining the smartphone experience for me, and I was thinking of giving that other crappy competing network a go, in the hope that the mobile internet experience with them would be less crappy. (Yes I am an eternal optimist.)

So they offered me a bribe of a new handset if I stayed on contract with them for another 2 years. They gave me a choice between an iPhone or sexy new Android 4 model. I am not an Apple guy, so the choice was easy — Android.

I had been idly thinking about getting a new smartphone anyway. My existing phone, running Android 2.2, was beginning to feel somewhat underpowered and obsolete — despite being only just over a year old. I wasn’t prepared to play the "will my model be upgradeable to the latest Android version" lottery with a new handset, so I was only going to consider handsets that came with Android 4. The problem was all currently available Android 4 models — with screen sizes well over 4 inches — just seemed too big. My choice of current phone was based largely on the fact I liked the form factor — with a 3.2 inch screen, I thought it was a reasonable compromise between screen real estate and phone size.

The Android 4 phone they were offering me had a 4.7 inch screen, which was way too big for my liking, but it was an excellent phone, and they even offered to waive all handset payments. This, I decided, was an offer I couldn’t refuse.

So I now have a great new gadget, albeit on the same crappy network. The phone, however, I am happy with for the most part, although the size is taking a bit of getting used to.

However, after watching possibly way too much Craig Ferguson, it occurs to me that because of the size, the phone makes not only an impressive new gadget — but also a catalyst for gratuitous smutty innuendo. So, to get my money’s worth out of the bulky thing I am now carrying around everywhere, I hereby present my lame little homage to possibly the greatest late night host ever:

Craig Ferguson joke-formula innuendo inspired by my new 4.7 inch smartphone.

• On first impression it feels very large and unwieldy. The phone is pretty big and cumbersome too.
• It creates an unseemly large bulge in my pants. Then I put the phone in my pocked and end up with another big bulge.
• It’s annoying when this large battery powered device suddenly starts vibrating my genitals, especially if I’m talking on my mobile at the time, it’s really distracting…
• My girlfriend says it’s the perfect size to wrap her fingers around…and she likes the size of my phone too.
• It’s a great thing to play with on the train to pass the time…but if I don’t want to do that I can just take out my phone and play Angry Birds.